“No, I’m sorry but I can’t”
Inspired (as always) by this morning’s Horizon Inspired meditation on Instagram (7.30am BST Monday to Saturday) Joey posed the question “What do you miss and what do you not miss right now?” The most common thread that ran through responses was a desire to let go of busyness, franticness, over-commitment - that, along with missing hugs.
I feel as though there’s a collective sense that releasing ourselves from over-commitment is something most of us want to aim for in our post-lockdown lives; it crept up on us, became part of the fabric of our culture in our home and work lives, and although right now many of us still find ourselves feeling busy (not least Key Workers who are perhaps busier, more pushed and stretched than ever - and I send so much love) with the intensity of home school, juggling this with working from home, navigating family life without the normal breathing spaces, plus keeping in touch with our friends, kids classmates and extended family in this new era of zoom the days can still feel as though they’ve run away with us; or is that just me?
That said, most of the commitments I have now, or had pre-COVID, I absolutely thrived on. I don’t want to turn them down! I love my work, spending time with friends, with family, being part of their journeys. I want to take time out for exercise, reading a book, leisurely and creatively cooking rather than rushing through simply to have food in tummies at the end of the day. Yet each day has finite length and there’s only so much we can fit in. So perhaps I’ve not always managed to strike a balance that is the right fit for me at that given time.
There are some people in my life I can bring to mind who are already streets ahead of me on this; I applaud you, and I know you as someone who is good at setting their own boundaries and expressing them kindly. This is definitely something I know I need more practice with.
So if we want our patterns of behaviour to change after lockdown ends, do we need to start imagining what that might look like, what it might feel like? Like most things in life, changes in our habits of thinking and behaviour come through practice. So perhaps we need to start practicing now?
If I’m honest, for me a big part of it comes from worry about saying no: to my friends, to people I work with, even to myself. Just typing the word “no” effects an emotional reaction inside me. The feeling is troubling, vulnerable, uncertain - I guess because I don’t know how it’s going to be received and that feels uncomfortable. I’m a “yes” person, something that has served me well in some ways, but can also (I realise) create imbalances in my life.
I know that I need to practice being able to - compassionately and kindly - say no if I’ve made a judgement that a commitment is going to shift me too far out of balance. I also need to lean into what it feels like when others say no to me. “No I’m sorry I can’t meet this week, not because I have a meeting or prior arrangement but simply because it feels like too much. That isn’t a reflection that I don’t love and value you; it simply means I need to value creating a little more space in my life right now.”
OK so the conversation might not go exactly like that, but perhaps we can read that into the bass notes of the message rather than “Oh no, they don’t like me/value me/want to work with me” .. and the normal (for me) pattern of vulnerable thoughts that might unfold.
So perhaps let’s compassionately and kindly try saying no over the coming days: try it on for size, learn how to express this so it feels comfortable; and how to receive “No”, offering compassion to those who express it and to ourselves. Can we learn to look ourselves in the eye and say a kind and compassionate “No”, recognising it as an offering of love and respect?
I’m going to give it a go …
Image credit Holes in the World Studio
The photograph above was taken at the incredible Chateau Takeover weekend that I was lucky enough to be part of in February, that I nearly said “No” to due to a lack of confidence about what I could possibly offer. So thankful that in the end I re-jigged commitments to say “Yes”. I guess it’s all about finding the balance, hey?